“My Wife Treats Me Like I Am the Scum of the Earth”
“My Wife Treats Me Like I Am the Scum of the Earth”
He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment that her look changed from admiration to contempt, but it had been a long time since he had felt any warmth or respect from the woman who once vowed "to love and to honor" him.
He found himself choosing his words carefully, not because he wanted to be thoughtful, but because he wanted to avoid the angry look, the exhausted sigh, or the cutting remark that could land at any moment.
Home no longer felt like a place of rest. It felt like a place of judgment. Nothing he could do was ever good enough. Nothing he could say was ever right. He had become the bane of her existence, and the put he was in felt inescapable.
When a wife treats her husband like the scum of the earth, the issue is rarely disagreement or frustration alone. At the root is something far more destructive: contempt. Contempt is not anger that flares and fades. It is settled disdain. It communicates disgust, moral judgment, and emotional disregard for another, which poisons a marriage at its core.
Marriage research has been remarkably clear on this point. John Gottman, who has studied marriages for over four decades, identifies contempt as the single strongest predictor of divorce. Not conflict. Not differing personalities. Contempt.
Contempt shows up in many ways in a marriage:
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Sarcasm, mockery, and name-calling
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Eye-rolling, back turning, and under her breath muttering
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Sharpness of tone, lack of empathy or patience
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Speaking negatively about you publicly, privately, or to your face
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Distrust, and a belief that you will fail and fall short on all your promises.
Gottman’s research has found that when contempt becomes a regular pattern, marriages almost always deteriorate unless there is significant intervention and repentance.
Clinical research supports this as well. Studies published in the Journal of Family Psychology have shown that contempt and chronic criticism are strongly associated with emotional withdrawal, depression, and relational shutdown—particularly in men. Over time, being treated with contempt does not motivate change; it erodes confidence, hardens hearts, and creates distance where connection once existed.
Scripture speaks with equal clarity. God does not minimize the power of words or attitudes within a marriage. “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up,” Paul writes, reminding believers that speech can either impart grace or inflict damage (Ephesians 4:29).
What Peter says to husbands, certainly applies also to wives when it comes to the warning that relational dishonor has spiritual consequences,
"Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered." 1 Peter 3:7
Jesus Himself draws a direct line between contemptuous speech and the condition of the heart, not mincing His words by warning, "anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be subject to the fire of hell."(Matthew 5:22).
This does not mean a husband is without fault, nor does it excuse sin, passivity, or repeated failure. A godly man is called to humility, repentance, and growth. But contempt is not correction. It is not accountability. And it is not love. Contempt does not call someone higher; it pushes them lower.
"Enduring contempt silently is not the same thing as Christlike suffering."
There is also an important distinction men must learn to make. Enduring contempt silently is not the same thing as Christlike suffering. Jesus endured suffering without sin, but He never affirmed lies about His identity or worth. A husband is not called to retaliate in anger, but neither is he called to normalize verbal or emotional abuse. Strength in marriage includes the courage to name destructive patterns honestly and seek help when necessary.
For some men, the turning point comes when they stop internalizing contempt and start discerning it. Is this a call to repentance, or is this an expression of disdain? Is this conviction, or is this condemnation? Those questions matter. Conviction leads to repentance and restoration. Condemnation leads to shame and paralysis. Condemnation has no place in a Christian marriage.
"Therefore there is now no condemnation at all for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1
Healing in marriages marked by contempt requires far more than better communication tips. It requires repentance, humility, and often outside counsel to interrupt patterns that have become normalized. It requires both spouses to remember that they are not enemies or judges, but fellow sinners both in continual need of God's grace, yet also declared righteous and worthy by Christ.
Before a man can address the contempt in his wife, he must first confess the sins in his own life. He must go before God in confession and repentance. He must receive the Gospel of grace for himself, and allow his identity and worth to be formed by the truths of the Scripture "for those who are in Christ Jesus."
Until a man is confident in the words of his Savior, he will continually be crushed by the words of his spouse.
Only when a man is secure in his identity in Christ can he come to his wife with strength, honor, and courage to begin a process of correction and rehabilitation of their relationship.
A marriage cannot survive on contempt, but it can be redeemed by humility, repentance, and grace. No man was created to live as the scum of the earth in his own home. Christ has already spoken a better word over your life—and learning to live in light of that truth is often the first step toward real change.
IMPACT Players exists to help men walk this difficult road with strength and clarity. We help men grow in humility without surrendering dignity, pursue peace without accepting abuse, and lead with courage even when respect has been eroded. Men are called to love sacrificially, but they are also called to walk in truth.
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If you’re ready to be part of what God is doing in the lives of men, we invite you to take the next step.
Visit impactplayers.org to:
- Find or start an IMPACT Cohort in your community
- Host a Men’s Breakfast and start an IMPACT Chapter
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Note - This is the final of a series of posts. Follow along for these future posts in the days ahead:
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My Wife Treats Me Like I Am The Scum Of The Earth